I didn’t understand what a healthy boundary was because I had not had others show me what a healthy boundary was. An abusive father that treated others like shit, who would always put himself first, and never understood the role a proper parent should take. Partners that I gave my heart to that promised never to betray that trust, only to turn around and lead another life behind my back, and friends who like to use the word friendship to get me to help them out of another situation they put themselves in but who would never help me when I am down and out.

All of this leads to just making this healing process up as you go along, and it leads to you making room for those toxic people that don’t care at all about what you will lose if you continue to make excuses for them to stay in your life. And why would they leave? You never set any boundaries because you don’t know what a healthy boundary is. All you know are these trauma bonds, these avoidant habits, these emotions of guilt for even thinking about setting healthy boundaries…and it often kills the ones who truly care about you, because they know that they can’t stay forever if you don’t get your priorities in order. 

Which sadly, is the same fear you have always had, because losing people has become your emotional home, and secretly you push all good things away without making it look like that.

Does this sound familiar?

Some of us get lucky and we meet someone who cares enough to show us what healthy boundaries look like, and I wish that I could tell you that it’s an easy process that doesn’t involve pain, but when someone who understands healthy boundaries tries to help another to see what a healthy boundary is, that healthy-minded person can get quite burned in the process. And yes, I am speaking from personal experience on this one.

I was carrying an incredibly heavy weight in my soul because I made excuses for everyone that hurt me, intentionally or not. I just made space in my life for their transgressions, and I always found ways to let them off the hook for the hurtful things they did by focusing on appreciating my ability to accept it all and just turn the other cheek…

But that isn’t strength, and that isn’t healthy either, what it is is the procrastinating nature of someone who tries to push all the pain under the rug to avoid the unwanted drama that can follow saying ‘No More!”

What it is is just you acting like you always have, and avoiding what you should have done a long time ago, which is to hit that delete and block button, and free all parties to walk a healthier path without one another.

Let’s be clear on this. You know who should be in your circle and who should not be. You might think you don’t, but you do, and you are avoiding doing what needs to be done which will put both a cap on your happiness and a time limit on the healthy relationships that you could have.

You must understand that by holding onto the past and not letting certain chapters close as they are supposed to you only writes a tragic future story for yourself.

The tricky part to understand is that when you are deciding who should stay and who should go in your life that you are not just looking for toxic personalities or problematic dynamics that bring you pain, what you need to look for is the important changing of the roles and what that means in the larger picture of it all, because, and make no mistake here, when the roles have changed in your relationships you must acknowledge those changes and then set the necessary boundaries before it gets messy, because it will.

You may have an old lifelong friend who has always thought of you as a close friend, and their heart is in the right place, but their constant jealousy of your accomplishments has them challenging you in ways that feels like you must defend why you accomplished what you did in the first place. Does this person, just for their jealousy, deserve to be blocked and deleted?

Yes. Because this person will not be there when you need them, they will only attempt to remind you that they liked it much better when you both dreamed about the great things that you would one day accomplish, and now that the roles have changed, they are seeking to find a way to bring you back to their scared, low self-confidence, and dreaming headspace.

Free yourself from those who cannot handle or support your accomplishments and free them from having to feel that jealousy as well, because they have some serious healing to do, and they won’t heal nearly as fast, or at all, with you around.

DELETE. BLOCK. MOVE ON

You may have becoming lovers with someone, and it didn’t work out, so you tried friendship to see how that fit, and you have found a common ground to stay in each others lives and act as if you never had something special once before. You may think this is maturity, that this is what adults do, and that it is normal to stay in touch after the roles have changed…but you would be wrong. When you hold onto friendships with those who were once lovers with you you do not close a book that is meant to be closed, and that story continues to be written as you meet others who never asked to be written into that uncomfortable story, and rightfully these new people are confused by where they are supposed to stand and who they are supposed to be to you in your life. When you don’t acknowledge the role change in this instance you create an unhealthy dynamic that only tells others that you might not be quite done with that old flame, even if you have stated that this is not the case. All this does is start off your new relationship in a state of mistrust, and no one deserves that.

Free yourself from hurting your future love, and free your ex from hurting theirs, and accept that it is best to end that story and close that book. We need to make room for another heart to connect with us, and our exes need to make room for another heart to connect with theirs as well, and so we must acknowledge that roles have changed, boundaries need to be place, and the book must be closed.

DELETE. BLOCK. MOVE ON

Setting healthy boundaries can often feel like a punch to the face to those who have never fully supported you in growing as a person, and those who have not fully accepting that things have changed on their end as well. It can feel like an act of war to those who have wanted to keep you at their level while you kept achieving milestones, despite their claims of brother and sisterhood.

Hitting delete and block on those who have changed their roles in your life can challenge the version of yourself that you have become all too comfortable with, and that version has never been the one that wanted more than what you have chosen to settle for. That version doesn’t care to see you happy or fulfilled.

As time moves on you will learn to hit delete and block with so much more ease, because you will realize that this is what is healthiest for everyone, not just you. You won’t see the act of separation as a slight against someone that you used to know, but rather you will see it as the best path for everyone, even if they don’t see it like you do. Trust that they eventually will.

And as time moves on you will come to see the warning signs from new people who try to inject both their conditional friendships and insecurities into your life, and you won’t hesitate in shutting that shit down before it can muddy up your life and slow down your progress.

Right now, is the best time for you to acknowledge those important role changes.

It is the exact moment where you can choose to let go of old narratives that do not serve you and rewrite a better story that does.

All you must do is hit DELETE AND BLOCK.

And then you can move on.

***********************************************

ARE YOU LOOKING TO LET GO OF NEGATIVE OLD STORIES TO MAKE WAY FOR A BETTER ONE?

Contact Certified Achievment Coach, Ryan Donnelly (The Troubled Monk) today, and get started on rewriting your story in a way that helps you achieve the life you desire to have.

The post DELETE. BLOCK. LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE. appeared first on The Troubled Monk.

We all want to believe that no matter what we choose to do in life we will have the support of both our friends and families. It’s an honest mistake to be sure and it’s a beautiful thought at the core, but it’s not a realistic view to hold onto.  We can expect that others will not fully agree with our chosen plan, but what we don’t expect is that any of our choices might end up turning those closest to us against us.

Be warned that these enemies can bring us down if we let them. They are the types of jealous and unhealthy toxic minds that try to convince you that boundaries are personal insults to them, and they can work in the background to undermine what you are trying to accomplish. You have been warned.  

When you fear creating stress within your relationships so much that you place your dreams and desires on hold to accommodate the resistance you are finding in others, you ultimately, end up hurting both sides because you deny them from seeing who you truly are, and more importantly, you deny yourself from growing into who you are supposed to be.

You are not supposed to stay the same person.

You are supposed to change and experience and grow. You are on a unique journey, and all journeys require movement, and standing in place, stuck as the same person, is not an option here.

The problem is that many of us are wired to please. We are addicted to the acceptance of those around us, and without even knowing it we gradually suffocate our souls by choosing to value the comfort and happiness of another over our well-being.

So then, how do we avoid turning the ones we care about against us as we follow a new path?  Simply put, we don’t.

That’s right, there is no way to avoid potentially alienating yourself from some of those around you, don’t even try. We live in a world filled with jealousy, miscommunication, fears, rules, and generational programming, and the hard truth is that your friends and family are not immune to suffering all these human issues, just like the rest of us. Add in all the different personality types and it’s just one big mess of emotions and intentions, both good and bad.

This is it.

You have one chance to live the life that you want, on your terms, without too many regrets to carry with you along the way, or you can focus on what others think of your needs and allow yourself to start walking their path instead of your own, because this way no one gets hurt…well, minus you.

I highly suggest that you choose you, every single fucking time.

It’s ok to lose friends. You will find more.

It’s ok to be a disappointment to others, you will never shine perfectly in everyone’s eyes (no one ever does).

It’s ok to take a chance on something that others fear doing themselves, this is more than ok to be honest, for this is what any traveler hoping to forage a new path ahead has to do.

We are bound to no one.

We are all captains of our ships.

And where we choose to go next is completely up to us, unless you find yourself too afraid of making an enemy along the way, that is.

In that case, you are not a captain of any ship at all, but the anchor that is choosing to hold it down.

DO YOU HAVE A PROJECT THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO GET STARTED? Contact me today about my personalized coaching sessions. 

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The post Making Progress Can Mean Making Enemies appeared first on The Troubled Monk.

Would you agree that you have a history of being a bit too hard on yourself? Or are you so used to it that you don’t recognize this self-abuse for what it is?

Perhaps you have always called it being a realist, eternally unlucky, or you just believe that this is who you are at the core? Whatever clever word, phrase, or concept you have come up with to accept the stress that you have learned to bring on yourself doesn’t change the fact that you could use a little self-love right now.

Can we agree on that?

We live in terribly competitive and deeply manipulated times.

It is to be expected that we will compare ourselves to others without even meaning to, that’s just how it is with our primitive human minds that desire security over happiness, and that is the agenda of the marketing giants who sell to you as often as they can, in any form that you will choose to hear it, that you could be doing much better than you are, so really, you don’t have much of a chance of avoiding some times of unbelievable self-doubt, and unchecked self-doubt becomes the catalyst for negative self-defeating habits. Now, that’s their fault, but what about what is your fault?

What negativity have you allowed into your life to take up residence? And are you ready to purge this unwanted tennant for good?

I would love to tell you that it is going to be ok, that you are going to succeed past this tough time, and that no matter what you are destined for better days ahead. I want to tell you that, but I think that honesty is the best currency.

The hard truth is, this may be as good as it gets for you if you continue to accept and defend an old negative story as the current real version of you. If you want to have better days ahead then it means changing a self-defeating pattern, and if you are finding that you have been far too hard on yourself lately then one or more of your patterns is not serving you and your highest self, which will ultimately affect the overall level of happiness that you can achieve.

In short, your inability to let go of the past is really fucking up the quality of your life.

Now, let’s call this pattern out, shall we?

You probably already know what has been holding you back, most of us do. The problem isn’t knowing what has been bothering us, the problem is acknowledging it truthfully. We like to protect ourselves from the potential pain of reality by creating false narratives that fit our agendas so that we can keep living as we have been. Our minds are not designed for happiness, they are designed for survival, and change is considered a threat to the safety that our minds desire so obsessively, which is why it is easier to make an excuse than to create some real change, and also why so many of us are carrying a proverbial cross that we should not be.

I want you to look in the mirror and say ‘hello’ to yourself.

Stare into your own eyes.

Acknowledge that you are speaking with yourself now.

This is your new ritual. So get used to it.

This may seem a bit uncomfortable at the start. It’s an unusually vulnerable state to place yourself in because you can bullshit everyone else but you can’t bullshit yourself, not if you are standing face to face with you.

I want you to try this with me, as I have so many times before, I want you to feel empowered, not scared or intimidated. This is it, this is the moment that you have been putting off because it’s going to bring on change, and your brain doesn’t like the c-word remember, and it’s going to try to avoid becoming someone different.

But stay here, and stay with it.

Ask yourself what has been bothering you. Ask yourself what past story has been replaying in the back of your mind. Ask yourself for the real answer.

Now close your eyes and think deeply about those questions.

When you come to a simple and clear answer only then can you open your eyes again.

And what is a simple and clear answer? You don’t need to worry about that, that’s the beauty of a raw and authentic moment like this, you can feel the truth of the moment flow through your being, and if you can drop your guard fully then your reflection will offer you the encouragement that you need to reach the answer that you need to hear.

Now, open your eyes, look at yourself, and speak directly to you.

Tell yourself exactly why you have been so hard on yourself.

And do not shy away from whatever monster might lurk within your mind, it’s time to bring that bastard into the light.

“I am unlucky in love because I have not learned to love myself first.”

“I am unsuccessful because I am lazy and playing too many videogames and I am addicted to procrastination.”

“I don’t think that I am attractive because I don’t look anything like the perfect influencers on social media.”

“I am disappointed in myself for not being able to save my friend from a drug addiction that took their life.”

“I am still holding onto the anger from my partner cheating on me.”

“I am still holding onto the pain and regret of cheating on my partner.”

“I just know that I am a failure in the eyes of my parents.”

“I am scared of failing, and I am also scared of success.”

“I can’t accept the sexual abuse that I went through in my past.”

“I don’t know how to tell the one that I am with that I do not love them any longer and that I need something more.”

As you can see there is no shortage of intense and understandable reasons why we end up carrying so much extra pain throughout our lives. There is no easy way to say many of these things so we often come up with other reasons to take their place. The idea is that we can wait another day to create the change that our spirits long for, that our revolutions can wait while we simply make it through another day as we are until we reach the day where we will be strong enough to force the change that we have been avoiding for so long. And therein lies the flaw in our pattern of avoidance, the crosses that we carry weigh us and break us down until we only have the strength to keep carrying them, but by acknowledging the truth to yourself you will start to free yourself from the burden that you have been carrying all this way.

When you cut away the excess bullshit and learn to say it exactly how you feel it then you can start the journey towards a more fulfilling life, but you must be honest, you must be clear, and you must be willing to say whatever it is that you need to say to get through to you.

You have to understand that you have been standing in your own way this entire time, and it’s time that you take responsibility for that.

There is no need to be too hard on yourself in this life, it’s hard enough as it is for all of us, and if you are in the cycle of self-abuse then there must be a reason. Find that reason as soon as you can and start to heal your spirit through direct action, anything less is feeding the monster that has been feasting on your hopes and dreams.

The process of acknowledgment to action to revolution is never an easy one, but I can tell you that more often than not the false narratives and fear-based convictions that we have agreed to hold onto hurt us far more than any change that we could experience.

“Honestly. Change, no matter how extreme, is far easier when you just accept that shit.”

I promise that you will be thankful that you started talking to yourself and started acknowledging the painful truths that you have been trying to avoid. It won’t be long until you will feel a new power growing inside you as soon as you start to bring your demons into the light to be exorcised.

It is rarely easy, but it’s always worth it.

Stop abusing yourself by avoiding the change that you so desperately need in your life.

It’s time to say “Hello to you.”

Don’t you think?

The post Stop Abusing Yourself appeared first on The Troubled Monk.

No doubt you have found yourself more than a few times feeling lost about the next move to make.

And why wouldn’t you feel that way? A quick visit to the online realm of the influencers is all one needs to find themselves feeling unsuccessful, burdened by irrational possibilities, and stuck in place by option paralysis, and all before we even start our workday.

Our technology has given us a twenty-four-seven feed to millionaire kids, shameless only fan accounts, karma-dodging pranksters, and an endless stream of proof that we could all be anything we wanted, but if we can be anything we want then who should we choose to be?

It should be simple to choose a path, right?

You know who you are. You know what you like. Yet, here you are, standing in place, confused by the complexity of the multitude of options available to you now.

More often than not when you think that you can be anything then you end up choosing to be nothing at all.

A decision must be made if you are to escape the path that leads to the death of dreamer.

Time is not a forgiving creature, and it will devour up your opportunities the longer you waste time pondering all the opportunities available to you.

It all feels so complicated, doesn’t it?

Do you buy that course for 97% off that promises to teach you how to dropship your way into a lambo?

Perhaps you set up a webcam, some lights, and start streaming to a couple of your friends?

Sell some rocket-monkey NFT’s.

Write and sell a book without being the one to write or sell the book.

Create a course on a subject you know very little about and market that course like it’s the answer to your target marketed viewers and collect that easy money.

Hell, you can even set up a business where you start farting in jars (just watch out for the potential health issues there, I hear it can be heartbreaking).

IT ALL STARTS WITH CLARITY AND CLARITY STARTS WITH ASKING CLEAR QUESTIONS.

First, we must look inward, and we have to ask ourselves ‘Who has our job?’

That’s right, you won’t be inventing anything that has never been heard of. The wheel has been made and it works just fine. Everything at this point is a variation, a mutation, an evolution if you will, of what has come before it.

Having a clear vision of who is currently enjoying your future career will help you pinpoint the start of the path you must be willing to take.

The beautiful thing about us humans is that we are addicted to storytelling, and we tell our stories every day as they unfold in everything that we do and technology has made telling those stories even easier.

Once you have chosen your mentor your career as a detective begins.

You will now become a humble and dedicated student (not a stalker). You will now learn to imitate before you can innovate.

I am not saying that you will leave no room for your individuality, of course, you will, but you are walking a path now that has been walked before, simply not walked in your unique shoes.

There are rules to joining any club that you wish to join. Sometimes those rules are written in clear ‘Submission Guidelines’ and other times it’s as vague as Fight Club “and we do not talk about Fight Club.”

You know who your mentor is.

You know the rules of the club.

Now how do you get invited to sit at the table along with your peers?

This is the part where you start to act like those in the field that you wish to be in.

Once again, you stay your unique self as always, but people like to tribe-up with like-minded individuals, and when they can see you as one of their own then a seat at the table will be much easier for you to achieve.

You can’t be everything that you think you could be, there simply isn’t enough time and energy to accomplish it all, and therefore a sacrifice must be made, at least at the beginning.

Choose your main path, put a ring on it, and love the hell out of the journey ahead.

You will doubt yourself often, in Mandalorian terms “This is the way.”

But you will only get better and more confident, and eventually, you will look back on your journey, embrace your personal story, and you will appreciate what it took for you to make it here to be the successful person that you knew you could be.

But it all starts with you choosing to learn from the one person that you know has your job.

The post Feeling Stuck? Choose Your Mentor And Forget The Others appeared first on The Troubled Monk.

By now you have done the math enough to know that life is not going to be slowing down on handing out the rules and expectations for how you are expected to live within the society that you are a part of.

No doubt that you may have been growing ever restless about why you feel as if you are missing out on something important as if there is something not quite right with how you feel about the direction your life is taking, but you can’t quite place your finger on it.   

It’s a generational thing.

As our awareness naturally raises through the constant influx of information that the internet provides us daily we become more sensitive to the invisible strings that pull on all of us throughout our lives, and we become more agitated by them because we know that not all of these rules and expectations should apply to us. After all, we are all unique, and we all know that our lives should be our own to live, and deep down we are starting to want to know who is putting their thoughts in our heads, and we want to know who we need to blame for this restlessness in our souls?   

It’s a generational thing.  

You were born into a family that has a long history that dates back to a world that you could never truly know. Your parents can only teach you what they have learned and have been taught from those that learned from those who came before them. Each one of us is forced to grow up within a society that has been learning from its past as well, and like all great revolutions, it takes a long time to come to a full realization, and what we believed in long ago is still mostly what we believe in now; because, in many ways, this generational thing still works for the system.

Hollywood sold us on the American dream.

Disney sold us on what love should look like.

And social media is selling us on impossible standards.

We are taught from birth what to think and what to feel. Sometimes it is as innocent as being provided the best advice by your friends and family to keep you out of trouble, out of prison, and out of the morgue. While other times we are being led down a specific path by marketers, governments, and corporations. Each one finds its way to get into your head, your heart, your soul, and into your bank account.

Still, it’s a generational thing.

It is this way because it’s how it has always been, and it still works for the most part.

And here you are, one restless mind among the others, trying to find your voice, just like the others, and not quite knowing why that voice is so damned hard to find, just like all the others.

And the truth is, you are living in a society that was not made for you. Society is an abstract thing. It is chaos with some rules attached to it to keep it from spinning out of control, and not all of those rules are going to apply to you, even some of the laws are going to go against your core being.

The tribe you are in is far larger than the friends and family that you know, it consists of the world around you that has also been taught the rules, the expectations, and the laws. So you see, freedom is a beautiful idea in a world that doesn’t have true freedom for most of us, and we are starting to see the imbalance of power that exists, and your restless mind is preparing for its revolution against this all.

But generational conditioning is a powerful thing.

Chances are, you are not going to change society in this life, but you can learn to work with it in a way that works for you. Much like a painter, if you learn to step away from the painting, in this case, society being the painting, you will start to see it for what it is. From this vantage point, you will see that it’s ok to choose your way, that you don’t have to be a ‘yes’ person to make everyone happy around you, and that it isn’t important to make everyone happy around you. If you take a step away you will see that you are free to make your life what you want it to be.

Yes, a lot of the programming can be blamed on a generational thing, but that being said, despite all the expectations and rules, it is up to you to accept or deny the system.

The next generation of ideas belongs to you.

Will you choose to accept the discomfort of blazing your unique path?

I hope so because the world could use a few more free-thinkers.

The post Happiness Is A Renegade Mind appeared first on The Troubled Monk.