I have, quite often, publicly played it calm in the face of the storms that life continuously sends my way. I always have. Call it good natured, spiritually inclined, or whatever else makes me look like I carry a strength within me that is nothing short of impressive or noteworthy, because this is always good for my confidence.

I just ‘smile through it’, I always have, because I never wanted to be a hindrance to anyone else, I never wanted my problems to become yours, and because I have grown up pushing my truths so far into the darkness that I once stumbled into the life of an avoidant.

Being an avoidant is easy, until it gets hard, and when it gets hard it often feels impossible.

How do you know if you are acting like an avoidant? Consider how you approach the problems in your life, do you look them straight in the eyes and say, ‘I’m going to take you head on so that I can be done with this and move on to something better.’ Or do you avoid making eye contact with your problems, making sure not to even speak your problems name out loud? Do you then leave the room, and hope that your problem will choose to move out if given enough time without your attention?

Was that a bit obscure? Ok, how about this. Do you challenge your problems as they come up or do you ignore them until you feel like dealing with them? Which, and by the way, to an avoidant, they never feel like dealing with them.

The problem with being an avoidant is that life stacks up. It gets heavy, and it gets undeniable. It looks like you have everything under control until the mess spills out of the room you have been trying so hard to keep locked, and then it is clear for all to see that you have almost nothing under control.

I played it so calm for so long that those who knew me thought that I was living my best life, with an excess of courage and clarity to spare for everyone else. I think that I even started to believe in my own bullshit, thinking that I had it all under control, and that my stress was manageable, indefinitely. Boy, was I so very wrong. I even gave others who were openly stressed the basic advice that they needed to calm down, choose optimism, and lean on their faith a bit more, reminding them that everything was going to be ok…and I told them this even when inside I was emotionally pressed to the ground, below it even. I told them this because I was also trying to convince them to avoid their problems as well. You know what they say, ‘Ignorance is bliss’ and ‘Misery loves company.’

Either way, I wasn’t acting in my most empowered self, because that would mean I would have to face the music, the reality, the fact that I was a textbook avoidant…and I hated this fact.  

The problem with allowing yourself to become an avoidant is that it spills over into other areas of your life, not just your bill payments stacking up and your room staying cluttered another day, no, that might be ok, but being an avoidant  does so much more harm in the long run as it often spills over into your life like a fucking tsunami.

When you avoid the problems as they arrive to you, you allow the problems to shake your confidence, your faith, your belief in yourself, and your belief in others. Eventually, the problems that you smile through crack the mask that you are wearing, and the world will come to see you for who, and what, you are on the day that you have always hoped to avoid.

And who is going to save you, if not you?

Because, and I am going to save you the field trip here, no one is coming to save you.

Those who challenge their problems will eventually lose their respect for you, and they will protect their peace by staying away from an avoidant at all costs. And your friends, the other avoidants, they aren’t ever going to challenge you, and you know, at the core, that this is why they are your friends in the first place, because they don’t want to clean up their messy rooms either.

I didn’t know that I was being an avoidant. It’s just who I was, and I was really quite good at it.

I came by it honestly, as I grew up in a world where we never talked about the monster under the bed, we just carried on and we pushed through. Collecting our traumas like you might collect Pokémon cards. I didn’t know that I was being an avoidant, I just thought that I was being mature enough to not let stuff bother me enough to make it public, because I hate disappointment, from myself and from others. This is such a male thing to do, just suck it up, hold it in, until one day you start snapping, and after that happens, it’s just a consistent series of emotional breakdowns, each one leading you to a point in time where you must make a choice; you either keep running from your demons, or you stop, turn around, and face them as you should have done before.

This, right here, this is the pivotal moment. The very moment where you can change your life, reclaim your power, and release the ways of the avoidant for good.

But how?

For me, it came in the form of journaling and shadow work. For those new to these things, journaling is the personal act of writing without limits and writing to yourself in a raw honesty that feels dangerously vulnerable. And shadow work is all about shining a light on the truths about yourself that you have successfully placed hidden, deep within yourself. By using both these things together I discovered, and still do continue to uncover, even more powerful truths about myself.

It starts out as a word on a page, followed by a few more that go deeper, and eventually, you enjoy the cathartic nature of journaling and shadow work so much that you make time for it daily.

I am not going to say that it doesn’t start out difficult, because the truth is, you will resist the truth that you have hidden. You might even write down a few lies that your avoidant self has conjured up to keep you from fundamentally changing, and it will be up to you to strike those falsities from the record, or you might end up letting the disempowering cycle continue. 

If you have made it this far into my rant, then chances are you might just be in need for some journaling and shadow work in your own life. So, if I can offer some practical advice before you take the plunge, here are a few things to consider so that you have the highest chance at success in your journey.

There is nothing about journaling and shadow work that requires the approval from others, and for this reason I would ask that you start immediately an tell no one, not until you have done this long enough that your confidence in doing this cannot be shaken. The hard truth is that not everyone who cares about you wants to see you change, and they could easily become the first ones to try to derail your soul work sessions.

Journal daily, but this does not mean that you should be focusing on shadow work daily as well. Journaling can be daily because you are not trying to say or uncover anything, but rather you are doing this as a way to get some random immediate thoughts out, where shadow work is aimed at shining a light on some things that you have been very much trying to hide within yourself, and that journey should not be taken daily if your intention is to heal and empower yourself in a healthy way.

Finally, understand that journaling works best when you do not edit as you go. This writing is not about perfection or social sharing, it is meant for you to say what you want to say, and how you want to say it, in the most raw and authentic voice that you can bring to the page. No one ever has to read it, and you can even burn the page once you done writing. This is not about creating something for tomorrow, it is about doing something very specific for today.

You can start your journaling with a simple question to get started. For me, I asked myself these questions

‘Why am I writing this?’

‘What do I need to tell myself today’

And then for my shadow work I asked myself ‘How do you know that you are an avoidant?’

Then I made a point to rephrase the question to get a better answer. ‘What am I avoiding, right now?

It’s true, no one is coming to save you. There are no heroes beyond yourself.

Healing is hard. Write it out. Rise anyway

*********************************************

Ready to Break Free from Avoidance and Step into Your Power?

If this post resonated with you, it’s a sign you’re ready for deeper transformation. I offer personalized empowerment coaching designed to help you overcome avoidance, reconnect with your purpose, and build the confidence to live life on your own terms.

Through guided journaling, shadow work, and emotional clarity practices, we’ll uncover the patterns holding you back—and rewrite the story you tell yourself.

Let’s turn self-sabotage into self-trust.
Let’s transform avoidance into aligned action.
Let’s build a life that feels as good as it looks.

Use the ‘Contact Form’ Book your free discovery call today and take the first step toward your next chapter

The post NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE YOU appeared first on The Troubled Monk.

I didn’t understand what a healthy boundary was because I had not had others show me what a healthy boundary was. An abusive father that treated others like shit, who would always put himself first, and never understood the role a proper parent should take. Partners that I gave my heart to that promised never to betray that trust, only to turn around and lead another life behind my back, and friends who like to use the word friendship to get me to help them out of another situation they put themselves in but who would never help me when I am down and out.

All of this leads to just making this healing process up as you go along, and it leads to you making room for those toxic people that don’t care at all about what you will lose if you continue to make excuses for them to stay in your life. And why would they leave? You never set any boundaries because you don’t know what a healthy boundary is. All you know are these trauma bonds, these avoidant habits, these emotions of guilt for even thinking about setting healthy boundaries…and it often kills the ones who truly care about you, because they know that they can’t stay forever if you don’t get your priorities in order. 

Which sadly, is the same fear you have always had, because losing people has become your emotional home, and secretly you push all good things away without making it look like that.

Does this sound familiar?

Some of us get lucky and we meet someone who cares enough to show us what healthy boundaries look like, and I wish that I could tell you that it’s an easy process that doesn’t involve pain, but when someone who understands healthy boundaries tries to help another to see what a healthy boundary is, that healthy-minded person can get quite burned in the process. And yes, I am speaking from personal experience on this one.

I was carrying an incredibly heavy weight in my soul because I made excuses for everyone that hurt me, intentionally or not. I just made space in my life for their transgressions, and I always found ways to let them off the hook for the hurtful things they did by focusing on appreciating my ability to accept it all and just turn the other cheek…

But that isn’t strength, and that isn’t healthy either, what it is is the procrastinating nature of someone who tries to push all the pain under the rug to avoid the unwanted drama that can follow saying ‘No More!”

What it is is just you acting like you always have, and avoiding what you should have done a long time ago, which is to hit that delete and block button, and free all parties to walk a healthier path without one another.

Let’s be clear on this. You know who should be in your circle and who should not be. You might think you don’t, but you do, and you are avoiding doing what needs to be done which will put both a cap on your happiness and a time limit on the healthy relationships that you could have.

You must understand that by holding onto the past and not letting certain chapters close as they are supposed to you only writes a tragic future story for yourself.

The tricky part to understand is that when you are deciding who should stay and who should go in your life that you are not just looking for toxic personalities or problematic dynamics that bring you pain, what you need to look for is the important changing of the roles and what that means in the larger picture of it all, because, and make no mistake here, when the roles have changed in your relationships you must acknowledge those changes and then set the necessary boundaries before it gets messy, because it will.

You may have an old lifelong friend who has always thought of you as a close friend, and their heart is in the right place, but their constant jealousy of your accomplishments has them challenging you in ways that feels like you must defend why you accomplished what you did in the first place. Does this person, just for their jealousy, deserve to be blocked and deleted?

Yes. Because this person will not be there when you need them, they will only attempt to remind you that they liked it much better when you both dreamed about the great things that you would one day accomplish, and now that the roles have changed, they are seeking to find a way to bring you back to their scared, low self-confidence, and dreaming headspace.

Free yourself from those who cannot handle or support your accomplishments and free them from having to feel that jealousy as well, because they have some serious healing to do, and they won’t heal nearly as fast, or at all, with you around.

DELETE. BLOCK. MOVE ON

You may have becoming lovers with someone, and it didn’t work out, so you tried friendship to see how that fit, and you have found a common ground to stay in each others lives and act as if you never had something special once before. You may think this is maturity, that this is what adults do, and that it is normal to stay in touch after the roles have changed…but you would be wrong. When you hold onto friendships with those who were once lovers with you you do not close a book that is meant to be closed, and that story continues to be written as you meet others who never asked to be written into that uncomfortable story, and rightfully these new people are confused by where they are supposed to stand and who they are supposed to be to you in your life. When you don’t acknowledge the role change in this instance you create an unhealthy dynamic that only tells others that you might not be quite done with that old flame, even if you have stated that this is not the case. All this does is start off your new relationship in a state of mistrust, and no one deserves that.

Free yourself from hurting your future love, and free your ex from hurting theirs, and accept that it is best to end that story and close that book. We need to make room for another heart to connect with us, and our exes need to make room for another heart to connect with theirs as well, and so we must acknowledge that roles have changed, boundaries need to be place, and the book must be closed.

DELETE. BLOCK. MOVE ON

Setting healthy boundaries can often feel like a punch to the face to those who have never fully supported you in growing as a person, and those who have not fully accepting that things have changed on their end as well. It can feel like an act of war to those who have wanted to keep you at their level while you kept achieving milestones, despite their claims of brother and sisterhood.

Hitting delete and block on those who have changed their roles in your life can challenge the version of yourself that you have become all too comfortable with, and that version has never been the one that wanted more than what you have chosen to settle for. That version doesn’t care to see you happy or fulfilled.

As time moves on you will learn to hit delete and block with so much more ease, because you will realize that this is what is healthiest for everyone, not just you. You won’t see the act of separation as a slight against someone that you used to know, but rather you will see it as the best path for everyone, even if they don’t see it like you do. Trust that they eventually will.

And as time moves on you will come to see the warning signs from new people who try to inject both their conditional friendships and insecurities into your life, and you won’t hesitate in shutting that shit down before it can muddy up your life and slow down your progress.

Right now, is the best time for you to acknowledge those important role changes.

It is the exact moment where you can choose to let go of old narratives that do not serve you and rewrite a better story that does.

All you must do is hit DELETE AND BLOCK.

And then you can move on.

***********************************************

Ready to Break Free from Avoidance and Step into Your Power?

If this post resonated with you, it’s a sign you’re ready for deeper transformation. I offer personalized empowerment coaching designed to help you overcome avoidance, reconnect with your purpose, and build the confidence to live life on your own terms.

Through guided journaling, shadow work, and emotional clarity practices, we’ll uncover the patterns holding you back—and rewrite the story you tell yourself.

Let’s turn self-sabotage into self-trust.
Let’s transform avoidance into aligned action.
Let’s build a life that feels as good as it looks.

Use the ‘Contact Form’ Book your free discovery call today and take the first step toward your next chapter.

The post DELETE. BLOCK. LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE. appeared first on The Troubled Monk.

*************************************************

Ready to Break Free from Avoidance and Step into Your Power?

If this post resonated with you, it’s a sign you’re ready for deeper transformation. I offer personalized empowerment coaching designed to help you overcome avoidance, reconnect with your purpose, and build the confidence to live life on your own terms.

Through guided journaling, shadow work, and emotional clarity practices, we’ll uncover the patterns holding you back—and rewrite the story you tell yourself.

Let’s turn self-sabotage into self-trust. Let’s transform avoidance into aligned action. Let’s build a life that feels as good as it looks.

Use the ‘Contact Form’ Book your free discovery call today and take the first step toward your next chapter

The post Making Progress Can Mean Making Enemies appeared first on The Troubled Monk.

Now, let’s call this pattern out, shall we?

“Honestly. Change, no matter how extreme, is far easier when you just accept that shit.”

*********************************************

Ready to Break Free from Avoidance and Step into Your Power?

If this post resonated with you, it’s a sign you’re ready for deeper transformation. I offer personalized empowerment coaching designed to help you overcome avoidance, reconnect with your purpose, and build the confidence to live life on your own terms.

Through guided journaling, shadow work, and emotional clarity practices, we’ll uncover the patterns holding you back—and rewrite the story you tell yourself.

Let’s turn self-sabotage into self-trust. Let’s transform avoidance into aligned action. Let’s build a life that feels as good as it looks.

Use the ‘Contact Form’ Book your free discovery call today and take the first step toward your next chapter

The post Stop Abusing Yourself appeared first on The Troubled Monk.

IT ALL STARTS WITH CLARITY AND CLARITY STARTS WITH ASKING CLEAR QUESTIONS.

*********************************************

Ready to Break Free from Avoidance and Step into Your Power?

If this post resonated with you, it’s a sign you’re ready for deeper transformation. I offer personalized empowerment coaching designed to help you overcome avoidance, reconnect with your purpose, and build the confidence to live life on your own terms.

Through guided journaling, shadow work, and emotional clarity practices, we’ll uncover the patterns holding you back—and rewrite the story you tell yourself.

Let’s turn self-sabotage into self-trust. Let’s transform avoidance into aligned action. Let’s build a life that feels as good as it looks.

Use the ‘Contact Form’ Book your free discovery call today and take the first step toward your next chapter

The post Feeling Stuck? Choose Your Mentor And Forget The Others appeared first on The Troubled Monk.

*********************************************

Ready to Break Free from Avoidance and Step into Your Power?

If this post resonated with you, it’s a sign you’re ready for deeper transformation. I offer personalized empowerment coaching designed to help you overcome avoidance, reconnect with your purpose, and build the confidence to live life on your own terms.

Through guided journaling, shadow work, and emotional clarity practices, we’ll uncover the patterns holding you back—and rewrite the story you tell yourself.

Let’s turn self-sabotage into self-trust. Let’s transform avoidance into aligned action. Let’s build a life that feels as good as it looks.

Use the ‘Contact Form’ Book your free discovery call today and take the first step toward your next chapter

The post Happiness Is A Renegade Mind appeared first on The Troubled Monk.