I didn’t understand what a healthy boundary was because I had not had others show me what a healthy boundary was. An abusive father that treated others like shit, who would always put himself first, and never understood the role a proper parent should take. Partners that I gave my heart to that promised never to betray that trust, only to turn around and lead another life behind my back, and friends who like to use the word friendship to get me to help them out of another situation they put themselves in but who would never help me when I am down and out.

All of this leads to just making this healing process up as you go along, and it leads to you making room for those toxic people that don’t care at all about what you will lose if you continue to make excuses for them to stay in your life. And why would they leave? You never set any boundaries because you don’t know what a healthy boundary is. All you know are these trauma bonds, these avoidant habits, these emotions of guilt for even thinking about setting healthy boundaries…and it often kills the ones who truly care about you, because they know that they can’t stay forever if you don’t get your priorities in order. 

Which sadly, is the same fear you have always had, because losing people has become your emotional home, and secretly you push all good things away without making it look like that.

Does this sound familiar?

Some of us get lucky and we meet someone who cares enough to show us what healthy boundaries look like, and I wish that I could tell you that it’s an easy process that doesn’t involve pain, but when someone who understands healthy boundaries tries to help another to see what a healthy boundary is, that healthy-minded person can get quite burned in the process. And yes, I am speaking from personal experience on this one.

I was carrying an incredibly heavy weight in my soul because I made excuses for everyone that hurt me, intentionally or not. I just made space in my life for their transgressions, and I always found ways to let them off the hook for the hurtful things they did by focusing on appreciating my ability to accept it all and just turn the other cheek…

But that isn’t strength, and that isn’t healthy either, what it is is the procrastinating nature of someone who tries to push all the pain under the rug to avoid the unwanted drama that can follow saying ‘No More!”

What it is is just you acting like you always have, and avoiding what you should have done a long time ago, which is to hit that delete and block button, and free all parties to walk a healthier path without one another.

Let’s be clear on this. You know who should be in your circle and who should not be. You might think you don’t, but you do, and you are avoiding doing what needs to be done which will put both a cap on your happiness and a time limit on the healthy relationships that you could have.

You must understand that by holding onto the past and not letting certain chapters close as they are supposed to you only writes a tragic future story for yourself.

The tricky part to understand is that when you are deciding who should stay and who should go in your life that you are not just looking for toxic personalities or problematic dynamics that bring you pain, what you need to look for is the important changing of the roles and what that means in the larger picture of it all, because, and make no mistake here, when the roles have changed in your relationships you must acknowledge those changes and then set the necessary boundaries before it gets messy, because it will.

You may have an old lifelong friend who has always thought of you as a close friend, and their heart is in the right place, but their constant jealousy of your accomplishments has them challenging you in ways that feels like you must defend why you accomplished what you did in the first place. Does this person, just for their jealousy, deserve to be blocked and deleted?

Yes. Because this person will not be there when you need them, they will only attempt to remind you that they liked it much better when you both dreamed about the great things that you would one day accomplish, and now that the roles have changed, they are seeking to find a way to bring you back to their scared, low self-confidence, and dreaming headspace.

Free yourself from those who cannot handle or support your accomplishments and free them from having to feel that jealousy as well, because they have some serious healing to do, and they won’t heal nearly as fast, or at all, with you around.

DELETE. BLOCK. MOVE ON

You may have becoming lovers with someone, and it didn’t work out, so you tried friendship to see how that fit, and you have found a common ground to stay in each others lives and act as if you never had something special once before. You may think this is maturity, that this is what adults do, and that it is normal to stay in touch after the roles have changed…but you would be wrong. When you hold onto friendships with those who were once lovers with you you do not close a book that is meant to be closed, and that story continues to be written as you meet others who never asked to be written into that uncomfortable story, and rightfully these new people are confused by where they are supposed to stand and who they are supposed to be to you in your life. When you don’t acknowledge the role change in this instance you create an unhealthy dynamic that only tells others that you might not be quite done with that old flame, even if you have stated that this is not the case. All this does is start off your new relationship in a state of mistrust, and no one deserves that.

Free yourself from hurting your future love, and free your ex from hurting theirs, and accept that it is best to end that story and close that book. We need to make room for another heart to connect with us, and our exes need to make room for another heart to connect with theirs as well, and so we must acknowledge that roles have changed, boundaries need to be place, and the book must be closed.

DELETE. BLOCK. MOVE ON

Setting healthy boundaries can often feel like a punch to the face to those who have never fully supported you in growing as a person, and those who have not fully accepting that things have changed on their end as well. It can feel like an act of war to those who have wanted to keep you at their level while you kept achieving milestones, despite their claims of brother and sisterhood.

Hitting delete and block on those who have changed their roles in your life can challenge the version of yourself that you have become all too comfortable with, and that version has never been the one that wanted more than what you have chosen to settle for. That version doesn’t care to see you happy or fulfilled.

As time moves on you will learn to hit delete and block with so much more ease, because you will realize that this is what is healthiest for everyone, not just you. You won’t see the act of separation as a slight against someone that you used to know, but rather you will see it as the best path for everyone, even if they don’t see it like you do. Trust that they eventually will.

And as time moves on you will come to see the warning signs from new people who try to inject both their conditional friendships and insecurities into your life, and you won’t hesitate in shutting that shit down before it can muddy up your life and slow down your progress.

Right now, is the best time for you to acknowledge those important role changes.

It is the exact moment where you can choose to let go of old narratives that do not serve you and rewrite a better story that does.

All you must do is hit DELETE AND BLOCK.

And then you can move on.

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ARE YOU LOOKING TO LET GO OF NEGATIVE OLD STORIES TO MAKE WAY FOR A BETTER ONE?

Contact Certified Achievment Coach, Ryan Donnelly (The Troubled Monk) today, and get started on rewriting your story in a way that helps you achieve the life you desire to have.

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